Doubt, Sexuality, Faith, and Reality: Jacolby Satterwhite’s Reifying Desire Three

When I first watched Country Ball, I was amazed. The way Jacolby Satterwhite combines and confuses perceptions of reality in context of his mother’s drawings was nothing like anything I had seen before. It was a journey full of wonder that brought me back to some of the animations in the Spy Kids movies and memories of my own mother. Reifying Desire Three feels more specific than Country Ball. Still wild and full of wonder but there’s a significant difference in the way Satterwhite uses computer rendered visuals to describe a different moment in the lifetime of his mother. The use of religious symbolism and allusions of the extended release of medication from a pill, all while weaving in recognition of his mother’s sexuality and struggle, prompts me to think about how Satterwhite continues constructing a vision of his mother, her medication, her personhood, and how all of that operates in context of her illness. In Reifying Desire Three, Satterwhite seems to explore honoring his mother’s struggle as a woman with sexual needs and desires and her sketches being a physical expression of those as well as her struggle with stabilizing medication. 

Without much research, one can see that this work is deeply personal to Satterwhite, represented most clearly through the abundance of dancing selves in the video. Satterwhite’s appearance in different outfits and positions, then multiplied, invites ideas of the depth of self and maybe even the depth of one’s relationship to their surroundings. With the context of Satterwhite’s mission to honor his schizophrenic mother and all of the things she created through his work, the work becomes even more complex. Yes, his mother created Satterwhite in a way, but the video focuses on her - the creation of her sketches and internal vision as a reflection of her real experience. By proxy, his experience and understanding are represented as well. 

Satterwhite introduces the viewer to the video with the secondary title The Immaculate Conception of Doubting Thomas then followed by a computer rendering that looks very similar to many traditional depictions of the group of people gathered when Thomas placed his hand in Jesus’ side after the crucifixion. Visible after the MRI electricity strikes the group and the figure one can assume to represent Doubting Thomas places their finger into the mass in the Jesus figure’s side, a structure of walls and the archway appears in the chest of the Jesus figure. The following scene of a different figure in front of the waterfall with liquid coming out of their breast and subsequent falling solidifies any questions the viewer may have had about the presence of conception or femininity to be represented in this video. Through this liquid, the viewer is then ushered through what seems to be the chest cavity of the Jesus figure into an archway drawing. The viewer is then guided through what feels like a struggle with sexuality through visually represented insertions of fingers into sides and flowing colors from one computer generated figure to another. The viewer does not know explicitly whether it is Satterwhite’s or Satterwhite’s mother’s sexuality that is being questioned. 

I gathered some traditional feminine sexuality themes but I found them most interesting within the context of significant male figures in Christianity set against electronic music that at times seems to say “Be my daughter,” many times over. They are not only significant figures within Christianity but they are ones that represent dispelling one’s doubt through physical truth when faith alone should have been enough. One can take the story of Doubting Thomas as a symbol of the blurred lines of reality that schizophrenic individuals experience, like Satterwhite’s mother. The presence of pieces that look and move similar to video examples of medication molecules distributing and attaching themselves in the body contributes to a concise but frenetic feeling of searching for stabilization. I have had a few friends who have struggled with schizophrenia and one of the things they have spoken about is the feeling of disarray of their sexual being. As with most mental health medications, the medications my friends spoke about interfered with their sexual drive and desire. It seems that Satterwhite’s mother emphatically depicted those same experiences in her drawings, through the magnetic body bands and then represented by the phallic figures weaving a path between the computer generated group of bodies that seem to represent Jesus, Doubting Thomas, and a few others. 

Finally, the video ends with the pink pieces gathering in front of a sketch of a cross formed as colored pieces come from the group to the internal space of the Jesus figure, forming a shape that forcefully reminds the viewer of a crucifix. It is then born from the Jesus figure through fire burning away water and is held in front of the viewer. To me, this signifies the rebirth of doubt time and time again after a struggle to establish a sense of normalcy or security in perception. It signifies the sacrifice demanded but unrequested from those who strive to make their world (internal or external) a better place to live. 

While there are many other symbols and themes in Reifying Desire Three than only spirituality, sexuality, and struggles with medication, I feel this is a good start. Part of the appeal of Satterwhite’s work seems to be that each video is a piece in building a full depiction of his mother and how she has communicated her experiences to those around her. It is complex and deep and full of mystery and clarity, much like how it is to exist as a human being with severe mental illness or to love a human being with severe mental illness.

This essay was originally written as for Thomas Beard’s Survey of Electronic Art course at Bard College in May 2021. Beard is a co-founder of Light Industry, a venue for cinema in all its forms, located in Brooklyn, NY.